I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
