Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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