dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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