you guys were way drunker than both of me
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
