I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
