This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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