I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
