Dude my mom stole all your condoms
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
