Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
