did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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