bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
