I think I died a long time ago.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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