Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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