i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
