youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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