WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
