I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Its about making memories worth repressing
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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