I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
