Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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