i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
