Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
