What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
