textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
