I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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