I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
