dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm too high and old for this...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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