You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
