You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
