Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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