I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
