Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
