I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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