hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
