The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
