Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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