I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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