It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
don't judge my taste in strippers
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize