I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
