you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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