The maid of honor just puked.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
