I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
