so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize