i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
