just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
