a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
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