Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
