Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
