i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
