I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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