he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
