remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
