my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
