Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
