I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
