I accidentally had phone sex last night
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
