she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
