I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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