i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
