How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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