at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
