You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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