whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
